My sister leaves in five days for five months. She’s travelling around Vietnam, Cambodia, New Zealand, and various other places. I’m happy for her, I know the job she’s in isn’t somewhere she envisions herself staying long term and she’s going to have the time of her life, but I can’t help but envy her.
My sister, my perfect sister, who I’ve always admired and tried to be like (always failing) is living her life and isn’t dictated by mental illness like I am. Sometimes I wonder, why me? We were raised together, four years apart with our brother between us, by the same parents. We grew up around the same people, went to the same schools, and even some of the same clubs. When she finished high school (she completed her GCSE’s and A levels with great grades) went to Uni for four years, kept up a weekend job throughout which then became fulltime after she graduated. Compare that to me. The younger sister whose CFS and first suicide attempt dragged her from school at about 13/14. I got four GCSE’s and as of right now, have never attempted A level’s. I was the one that had to try and convince a college to let me start my course whilst in hospital and send them my work via the unit teacher only to be told that they didn’t think I was capable and to come back the next year (didn’t happen). Could our lives have gone in two more opposite directions? Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister, I really do. There was a long period of time in which she was my only friend and she remains one of my best friends but how is it possible that two sisters who in some ways are so alike (we both love reality tv, cheese, our dogs, and would stand up for one another against anyone) be so different?
I’m not looking for an answer. I don’t need to hear about how everyone is different and that even though we are sisters, we aren’t psychologically the same. I know all of this and I’ve most likely heard it before but it doesn’t stop the pang of jealousy (ouch, admitting that hurts) I feel when I compare our lives.
Sis, if you ever read this, I know it’s not your fault just like it’s not mine. I love you. X