“Maybe some people aren’t meant to be saved” and maybe I’m one of them.
I don’t know why I feel the need to post this but I do. I’ve been doing relatively well for about two months but today, although busy, I’ve noticed things slipping- I don’t know if it’s because my cousins leave tomorrow and I won’t see them for a month (I’m so busy when they are here and I absolutely adore them) or if I’m falling backwards again. I really don’t know. I don’t usually post anything ‘spur of the moment’ or without thinking about it beforehand so this is different and very current. I’m sure there will be updates to follow. I just want to either be ‘ok’ or ‘not ok’ and not stuck in between.
I had to get my mum to call the therapist and tell her I couldn’t make the group today. I’m so angry at myself because today is the first one (it’s a 6 week thing) and not going to the first one means that if I decide to go to the others, I’m like the outsider. They’ve all met today and my stupid fucking chronic fatigue has stopped me. I should have known that being at work yesterday and doing this today would be too much but I wanted to believe that I was better, I wanted to believe that I was getting over it. I’m not.
You would think that after years of ‘getting better’ and relapsing I would be used to this but each time is just as upsetting. However sick you are and with whatever illness, I think you always cling to the hope that YOU will be the one to be cured. It doesn’t matter how many times I hear or am told that very few people fully recover from ME/CFS, I always hope that I will. Maybe that’s a good mindset or maybe it’s unhelpful, I really don’t know. All I know is, today isn’t a good day.