A Ramble

I rarely ever cry and when I say that I mean it.I’m not saying this to make myself look strong or better than anyone else, it’s just to give some context. So yes, I rarely ever cry. But today I did.

My care coordinator and support work both came round and we had a little meeting in my kitchen. It started off by catching up and it was all very smiley-smiley until she asked how I was. I smiled and said ‘I don’t know’. They asked what I meant, how I was actually feeling, etc, and I just started crying. I told them that I haven’t been feeling great for about a month (in all honesty, it’s been more like 3+). They were extremely supportive and we’ve put some strategies/things to do in place so I’m not sitting around alone thinking constantly.

At the end of our catch up she made me double check that I had the crisis line number in my phone and told me that if things got worse I had to call them. I told them I would but deep down I know I won’t, even if things get bad. It’s very easy to go along with all the things professionals suggest (yoga, more therapy, etc) but it’s another thing to actually do them.

I feel like I’ve been drifting through everything, experiencing it but not feeling anything. I can get through my day without a problem, lie down in bed at night and be hit by this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I feel like I have no use or purpose. It’s the strangest feeling.

On another note, I’ve found myself slipping back into a lot of negative habits, particularly with my eating. I tell myself I’m trying to be healthier/fitter but deep down I know this is something I do when things are shit and I need to feel like I have some control.

I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens now.