Like, really hard. I don’t know where I’ll be in a week let alone a year so how am I meant to plan for my future? I’m at the point in my life where I want a proper career, a partner, and a good social life but I have none of those things. And I have no idea how to change that.
I hate myself. I want to go to the middle of nowhere and scream until my lungs burst. I want to tell the truth when I’m asked ‘how are you?’ and not lie every. single. time. I want to ignore every email, text, and call. I want to move somewhere where I know nobody and recreate myself.
I feel so alone. My family are great but they love me because they are related to me. I have a couple of friends but no one who I see often or who lives near enough to see on a whim. My life consists of sleeping, eating, going to work, and mental health appointments. I have no hobbies, I have no interests. I’m a shell of a person.
When people I haven’t seen for a while ask what’s new, I have no idea what to say. What’s new? Nothing other than the fact I kinda wanna jump in front of a car. Not a great conversation starter.
My care coordinator had to cancel our appointment today due to an emergency (totally understandable) but she made time to call me and have a quick chat. I told her I was still having trouble getting to sleep but that when I was asleep I was fine, I don’t wake up constantly or anything, and she said it sounds like I get ‘plenty’ of sleep and it’s not anything to worry about. I told her I was feeling low again and she said ‘well when you saw Dr __ a few weeks ago you were feeling better’ and honestly, I might have been feeling better then but that doesn’t mean I’m fine now. I just feel like everything I say is disregarded immediately. It’s always ‘well everyone has down times so don’t worry’ or ‘you were ok last time we spoke’ – sometimes I just need someone to listen. And to tell me that it’s ok to feel like this. I don’t need to hear that I’ve gotten through it before, that I’m still managing to do day to day things so I must be fine. I know I’ve been worse, I know I’m lucky that I’m still fucking functioning. I know all of this.
I also know how I find it easy to lie to my care coordinator and psychiatrist because I don’t actually know them very well. That’s why my support worker, who I’ve worked with for 2+ years now, is the one I told how I’ve been feeling. Because she has always had time for me and has taken the time to get to know me properly. She doesn’t go through a checklist in her head everytime I see her – which I know others do, I can literally see them going through a mental list of things they have to ask about (mood- check, sleep- check, family- check, friends- check, excerise- check, food- check) so the conversation never just flows. I’m not comfortable with them so I just lie to get them to leave (harsh but true).
Honestly, I’m exhausted. I’m over taking medication that obviously doesn’t work. I’m done with constant appointments and phone calls and health checks. I’m sick of talking about how I am, how I feel about things. All I’ve ever wanted is to be normal, to move on from all this and be happy. It’s looking more and more like that will never happen.
Things aren’t right. I can’t say when it started, I don’t know myself, but I do know that I’ve not been feeling ‘right’ for a few months. At first it wasn’t a big deal, just feeling more irritable, tired and not as interested in things I usually am. But I could cope with that.
It’s gotten worse and I’m in a perpetually numb state. I’m never happy, sometimes I’m sad or angry but majority of the time I’m numb. I can go through the motions and get through my day just fine but then I get home and once I’m alone, I’m hit by the darkness. The feelings of worthlessness start creeping in, I feel like this ugly, fat, loser with no friends, prospects or goals. I eventually get some sleep (that’s a struggle) and then wake up with my shield back in place.
I’m 20, I’m always told that these are the best years of my life- if that’s true, kill me now.