My care coordinator had to cancel our appointment today due to an emergency (totally understandable) but she made time to call me and have a quick chat. I told her I was still having trouble getting to sleep but that when I was asleep I was fine, I don’t wake up constantly or anything, and she said it sounds like I get ‘plenty’ of sleep and it’s not anything to worry about. I told her I was feeling low again and she said ‘well when you saw Dr __ a few weeks ago you were feeling better’ and honestly, I might have been feeling better then but that doesn’t mean I’m fine now. I just feel like everything I say is disregarded immediately. It’s always ‘well everyone has down times so don’t worry’ or ‘you were ok last time we spoke’ – sometimes I just need someone to listen. And to tell me that it’s ok to feel like this. I don’t need to hear that I’ve gotten through it before, that I’m still managing to do day to day things so I must be fine. I know I’ve been worse, I know I’m lucky that I’m still fucking functioning. I know all of this.
I also know how I find it easy to lie to my care coordinator and psychiatrist because I don’t actually know them very well. That’s why my support worker, who I’ve worked with for 2+ years now, is the one I told how I’ve been feeling. Because she has always had time for me and has taken the time to get to know me properly. She doesn’t go through a checklist in her head everytime I see her – which I know others do, I can literally see them going through a mental list of things they have to ask about (mood- check, sleep- check, family- check, friends- check, excerise- check, food- check) so the conversation never just flows. I’m not comfortable with them so I just lie to get them to leave (harsh but true).
Honestly, I’m exhausted. I’m over taking medication that obviously doesn’t work. I’m done with constant appointments and phone calls and health checks. I’m sick of talking about how I am, how I feel about things. All I’ve ever wanted is to be normal, to move on from all this and be happy. It’s looking more and more like that will never happen.