I no longer look at a bowl of strawberries and see 32 or lunch. I can go to the toilet without having to lie down on the (sometimes dirty) floor and do at least 50 crunches. I don’t see a scale and want to die. I now go to dinner and order what I fancy not whatever has the lowest fat content. I don’t spend hours googling calories or ways to hide my shrinking body or look at thinspo or avoid family dinners. I’m free. 


Goals for 2016. 

My goals for 2016 were relatively simple but I’m still going to ‘review’ them as we approach the end of the year. I can’t believe how quickly this year has gone by (I feel like I say that every year, but seriously, where’s does the time go?). So here goes.
-my first goal was to pass my driving test. I’m happy to say that I took my test in June after 7 months of learning and I passed first time! I was extremely anxious but so relieved. I got 7 minors which I was happy with. Now saving for my first car!

-starting college didn’t work out. I attended two interviews, the first being the support interview (that was actually last year) where I discussed my health problems and that went really well. I then turned up to my ‘proper’ interview only to be told that I’m too old for the course. They were actually quite rude and told me I needed to make sure I was well enough and would be able to cope with college. I’ve gotten over it though and I’m happy it didn’t work out as other things have happened because of that. Doesn’t excuse them basically discriminating against me though. 

-I didn’t get to go on holiday but I did spend a lot of time up North with my family which was nice. I’m hoping to either go to France or Iceland next year, so we’ll see.

-I can’t say I’ve undergone a massive healthy transformation but I have made positive diet changes. I’m eating healthier and have seen results because of that. I never want to get back into a disordered way of eating/thinking so I allow myself to eat everything in moderation. 

-another goal was to spend more time with friends. I’ve seen a lot more of my friends this year and that’s been great. Love them.

-I also wanted to increase my sessions helping at the nursery and continue at the shop. I carried on volunteering at the nursery and charity shop until June. The shop, unfortunately, closed down and the sessions I helped with at the nursery finished for the summer. 

-I’ve done a lot of tourist things this year. I’ve been to most of the museums, my sister and I did the Harry Potter studio tour which was amazing and I’ve really enjoyed seeing more of London. It’s strange that I’ve lived here all my life and haven’t taken the time to really see London through a visitors eyes.

-be more independent. I’m definitely a lot more independent. I work now so I have my own money and I obviously choose my shifts which has been good for my independence. 

-get discharged from mental health services… this was a huge goal for me. I was admitted to hospital in June 2013 for 10 months and have been with mental health services since. Over that time, I’ve had dips but have been fairly steady and I just want to be done with mental health services. And it’s happening.. I’m getting discharged in January! I could have been discharged in December but as Christmas can be a stressful period we decided January was best. I can’t wait! (I know some people are with MH teams for years and even for their whole lives, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing but I don’t need to be anymore and this is a huge achievement for me)

-write more. I’ve written more than I previously have (both on my blog and off) but I would ideally like to write more. I enjoy it and I find it therapeutic. 
So that’s that! All in all, this years been a good one. I’m hopeful that 2017 will be even better and I’ll definitely be posting my goals for next year soon.

Sleep 12/11 

I’ve been awake since 6am. It’s approaching midnight now. I barely slept last night. I’m exhausted, so why won’t I let myself sleep? I can always think of something else I need to do (write a list of things to do tomorrow, go to the toilet, find a new book to read, scroll through the news app on my phone) but the reality is, I don’t really NEED to do these things. I just need to find something to do to stop myself going to sleep. Self sabotage? I guess so. 

I know that if I close my eyes and persevere, I will fall asleep eventually. But I can’t bare lieing down with thoughts running and running through my head. I’ve been feeling a lot better, positive even, so why do all these feelings come back as soon as my head hits the pillow?