30 things to do before I’m 30

1. Go to Iceland

2. Hot air balloon

3. Open cinema 

4. Learn to play guitar

5. Spend Christmas or New Year in New York

6. Go ape

7. Write a book, published or unpublished

8. Go skiing or snowboarding

9. Run a marathon

10. Get a tattoo

11. Safari

12. Feed/meet giraffes 

13. Go to a festival 

14. La tomatina

15. Go camping

16. Throw a dart at a map and travel there

17. Skydive

18. Go to Maine

19. Fall in love

20. Universal, Harry Potter world, Disneyland Paris

21. See the Northern lights 

22. Move out

23. Do a zip wire 

24. Harry Potter themed party

25. Take my mum on a trip abroad

26. Eat vegan for a month

27. Volunteer

28. Spend a weekend in central London and truly explore it

29. Road trip around the country

30. Visit Italy

Tilly

We got our first ever dog just after I turned 12 and she has been my best friend ever since (8 years). She’s seen me through my best and worst times and I love her to death.

But she’s poorly. She has a spinal rumour, it was diagnosed about 3 years ago now and she has surgery to attempt to remove it 2 and a half years ago. It was unsuccessful, they couldn’t get all of the tumour so we have known that her symptoms would gradually get worse over time. We thought we’d be lucky if she made it a year after her surgery, yet here we are. I know she hasn’t got long left though and it’s breaking my heart. I just cried and held her tonight because I might not be able to for much longer. I never want her to suffer and I know that soon, we’ll have to make one of the hardest decision we’ll ever make. 

I love you Tildy. x

7/1/17

I was just googled a random question about my new piercing and it took me to a Reddit thread. Below the thread I was reading, was one titled “women who have been through mental health issues, how do you forgive yourself for the years you’ve lost?” Me being me, I obviously clicked on it. And the first answer I saw was this “to me they weren’t lost, they were spent learning how to be healthier”.

My intial answer, had I been asked that question, would be “I don’t know how to forgive myself” but what I better way to look at it. I sometimes believe that I wasted those 3-4 years but that answer just made me do a complete 180. In those years, I learnt that I have a fucking amazing family. I learnt that I really really love myself. I learnt that although it sometimes feels like time has stopped, it never truly does. And that’s beautiful. Right now someone is bringing a baby into this world whilst someone else takes their last breath. That’s the way our world is and that won’t change for anyone. 

Things I want to remember about Christmas 2016.

-Sio was wasted on Christmas Eve evening and kept calling me ‘trumpy’ after she thought I farted. She couldn’t stop laughing.

-she then burst into my room at midnight dressed in our matching Christmas PJ’s.

-it was our first year doing Secret Santa as a family and my sister and I both had each other- typical! We set the budget at £40 but think we all over spent. Ooops. 

-my sister got me pandora earrings in my birth stone but I can’t wear them as my current earrings are stuck in my ears! 

-‘good egg’ egg cup.

-mum and I cooked Christmas dinner (as always) and it was fab. 

-Alex’s first Christmas with us and he was hilarious.

-we played Scattergories. Jam sandwich, West Country potato’s, Sue, Steve, Shirley, Sean, etc, were a few of our favourite answers. 

-mum and I binge watched a weeks worth of Emmerdale and Eastenders.

-I wrapped mums birthday presents (for Boxing Day) and finished getting her iPod ready. We couldn’t wait to give it to her, her reaction was ace. 

-I have a mermaid tail blanket and I am obsessed.

-we FaceTimed the Northern lot and they showed us their new game, Pie Face, it’s hilarious!

-I said ‘Tilly keeps trumping’ mum stood up off dads recliner and let out her own massive one. Laughed for a good 5 mins.

-we drew our draw for next years Secret Santa, I have mum! Already planning her pressies.

-but most of all.. “it doesn’t matter what’s under the tree, it matters whose around it”. 

My sister and my job

My sister has worked for a certain supermarket chain for 7 years now. She started off as an 18 year old and worked weekends on checkouts whilst finishing her A levels. She continued to work there whilst at unversity and when she graduated she went full time.

She was quickly promoted from a regular shop assistant to a ‘team leader’ which she’s being doing for 3 years now. Staff higher up approached her earlier this year about training for management and she recently completed that. Basically, she’s ace. She works really hard and although I know she didn’t (and still doesn’t) envision working there ‘forever’, she puts a lot of time and effort into her job. 

I, however, have been struggling a lot recently. I have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do. I constantly change my mind- one day I’m certain I want to focus on elderly care, then it’s childcare, then someone tells me I’d make a great nurse and I think ‘hmmmm’.

I’ve been working part time in care setting whilst I try to figure things out and although I love what I’m doing at the moment, it’s not enough hours and it won’t be a long term career. More recently I’ve realised every job I am drawn towards has some aspect of caring and I honestly don’t know if I want the responsibility (and the anxiety the responsibility brings). It would be nice to have a job that I can enjoy but I’m not constantly worried that if I forget something, someone is in danger. 

So whilst my sister, mum and I were Christmas tree shopping I mentioned it to them. Immediately my sister told me she could (and would) get me a job in a blink of an eye- she’s said this to me before but I’ve always had a reason to say no (I’m not well enough yet, I don’t want to work in the same place as her, etc)- but this time I said yes. We spoke about the job a lot and she told me although I’d be contracted to do part time hours, overtime is always available in her department. 

The next day she phoned me from work and she was in HR, she’d got me a job. Just like that. Something that would be so so difficult for me, she had done it in the blink of an eye. I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I didn’t have to have an interview, I just told HR all my details and they told me about my induction. This all happened last week and my induction was today (it went well!). I start my new job on Friday. It was that easy.

Two weeks ago I was feeling like shit. I’d just been to look at cars and given monthly payments quotes that I just couldn’t meet with my care wage (baring in mind I need money for other things to, you know, live) and I was feeling helpless. ‘I need a car to get another job’ was all I could think. But I couldn’t get a car until I had another job. But now, less than two weeks later, I’m starting a new job and will be able to get a car within the next few months. I can’t believe how quickly things can change. 

I’m going to wrap this up now but I honestly cannot end this without saying how grateful I am for my sister. She has been there through all of my shit and never given up on me, even when I wanted her to. I’ve put her and the rest my family through so much but their support has been unwavering. And now she’s done this for me without a second thought. She’s amazing. I honestly love her so much. 

Thanks sis. X

22/11

I no longer look at a bowl of strawberries and see 32 or lunch. I can go to the toilet without having to lie down on the (sometimes dirty) floor and do at least 50 crunches. I don’t see a scale and want to die. I now go to dinner and order what I fancy not whatever has the lowest fat content. I don’t spend hours googling calories or ways to hide my shrinking body or look at thinspo or avoid family dinners. I’m free. 

Goals for 2016. 

My goals for 2016 were relatively simple but I’m still going to ‘review’ them as we approach the end of the year. I can’t believe how quickly this year has gone by (I feel like I say that every year, but seriously, where’s does the time go?). So here goes.
-my first goal was to pass my driving test. I’m happy to say that I took my test in June after 7 months of learning and I passed first time! I was extremely anxious but so relieved. I got 7 minors which I was happy with. Now saving for my first car!

-starting college didn’t work out. I attended two interviews, the first being the support interview (that was actually last year) where I discussed my health problems and that went really well. I then turned up to my ‘proper’ interview only to be told that I’m too old for the course. They were actually quite rude and told me I needed to make sure I was well enough and would be able to cope with college. I’ve gotten over it though and I’m happy it didn’t work out as other things have happened because of that. Doesn’t excuse them basically discriminating against me though. 

-I didn’t get to go on holiday but I did spend a lot of time up North with my family which was nice. I’m hoping to either go to France or Iceland next year, so we’ll see.

-I can’t say I’ve undergone a massive healthy transformation but I have made positive diet changes. I’m eating healthier and have seen results because of that. I never want to get back into a disordered way of eating/thinking so I allow myself to eat everything in moderation. 

-another goal was to spend more time with friends. I’ve seen a lot more of my friends this year and that’s been great. Love them.

-I also wanted to increase my sessions helping at the nursery and continue at the shop. I carried on volunteering at the nursery and charity shop until June. The shop, unfortunately, closed down and the sessions I helped with at the nursery finished for the summer. 

-I’ve done a lot of tourist things this year. I’ve been to most of the museums, my sister and I did the Harry Potter studio tour which was amazing and I’ve really enjoyed seeing more of London. It’s strange that I’ve lived here all my life and haven’t taken the time to really see London through a visitors eyes.

-be more independent. I’m definitely a lot more independent. I work now so I have my own money and I obviously choose my shifts which has been good for my independence. 

-get discharged from mental health services… this was a huge goal for me. I was admitted to hospital in June 2013 for 10 months and have been with mental health services since. Over that time, I’ve had dips but have been fairly steady and I just want to be done with mental health services. And it’s happening.. I’m getting discharged in January! I could have been discharged in December but as Christmas can be a stressful period we decided January was best. I can’t wait! (I know some people are with MH teams for years and even for their whole lives, I’m not saying that’s a bad thing but I don’t need to be anymore and this is a huge achievement for me)

-write more. I’ve written more than I previously have (both on my blog and off) but I would ideally like to write more. I enjoy it and I find it therapeutic. 
So that’s that! All in all, this years been a good one. I’m hopeful that 2017 will be even better and I’ll definitely be posting my goals for next year soon.