Three years ago today, I was discharged from hospital after a 10 month stay. I was excited, lonely, nervous, proud, but mostly scared. I was scared for the next few weeks, let alone for the next couple of years.The first year home mostly consisted of anxiety. I was anxious about everything. Food, body image, public transport, friends, seeing distant family- I actually can’t think of one thing that didn’t make me anxious.

The second year was different. I started to volunteer in a charity shop and this not only gave my days structure, it gave me customer service skills, social skills, and confidence. It was was also something to put on my CV so when I was ready to apply for jobs, I had some experience. After volunteering there for a few months, I added another voluntary job in and I was suddenly busy all the time. I also learnt to drive during this year which gave me a lot more freedom and I was excited at the idea of getting a car (which would open up more job opportunities). 

That bring me to the last year, and really the most crucial year in my recovery. It started off with me getting my first part time job as well as doing my two voluntary jobs. I eventually stopped both of those due to the charity shop closing and the other position didn’t fit in with my part time job anymore. So I went through the summer working part time, seeing friends and family and gained so much confidence and independence. That brings me to December- I got a part time job through my sister and I absolutely love it. It has turned out to be more full time than part time (my contracted hours are still only part time which is great because I always have the option to reduce my overtime if I’m struggling and/or need a break), I’ve made friends with pretty much everyone I work with, already have spoken about the prospect of progressing higher in the company (my colleagues have all expressed they’d like me to do this as well, as they all like me which is lovely), I have a regular steady income and I’m getting my first car in two weeks. Life’s very different to even a year ago, let alone three. 

I always find that I ever truly recognise how different my life is now until I write posts like these. I use this blog as a place to document my progress over time. There’s nothing more satisfying than looking back at a post I wrote six months or two years ago and seeing the difference compared to the posts I am currently writing. No one in my ‘real’ life knows about this blog, it is purely for myself and anyone who may stumble upon it. 

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A big week

Yesterday, E and I booked our flights and hotel for Iceland! We are going in October and I’m beyond excited. We have decided to book a tour (or two) a month aka each time we get paid and I can’t wait to properly plan all the details now it’s set in stone that we are going! 

And today… I bought a car! Well, kind of. I’m leasing a new car (3 year lease- insurance, servicing included in one monthly payment) and today I put down my diposit so the order is officially in! I’ll get it in 6 weeks max. I can’t believe I’ll finally have a car of my own! And in just a few weeks. 

I’m so so happy with life right now. I’m working a lot which means I am so tired (all the time!) but I don’t even care, I am so pleased with my life at the moment. 

My sister and my job

My sister has worked for a certain supermarket chain for 7 years now. She started off as an 18 year old and worked weekends on checkouts whilst finishing her A levels. She continued to work there whilst at unversity and when she graduated she went full time.

She was quickly promoted from a regular shop assistant to a ‘team leader’ which she’s being doing for 3 years now. Staff higher up approached her earlier this year about training for management and she recently completed that. Basically, she’s ace. She works really hard and although I know she didn’t (and still doesn’t) envision working there ‘forever’, she puts a lot of time and effort into her job. 

I, however, have been struggling a lot recently. I have no idea where I want to go or what I want to do. I constantly change my mind- one day I’m certain I want to focus on elderly care, then it’s childcare, then someone tells me I’d make a great nurse and I think ‘hmmmm’.

I’ve been working part time in care setting whilst I try to figure things out and although I love what I’m doing at the moment, it’s not enough hours and it won’t be a long term career. More recently I’ve realised every job I am drawn towards has some aspect of caring and I honestly don’t know if I want the responsibility (and the anxiety the responsibility brings). It would be nice to have a job that I can enjoy but I’m not constantly worried that if I forget something, someone is in danger. 

So whilst my sister, mum and I were Christmas tree shopping I mentioned it to them. Immediately my sister told me she could (and would) get me a job in a blink of an eye- she’s said this to me before but I’ve always had a reason to say no (I’m not well enough yet, I don’t want to work in the same place as her, etc)- but this time I said yes. We spoke about the job a lot and she told me although I’d be contracted to do part time hours, overtime is always available in her department. 

The next day she phoned me from work and she was in HR, she’d got me a job. Just like that. Something that would be so so difficult for me, she had done it in the blink of an eye. I can’t tell you how grateful I am. I didn’t have to have an interview, I just told HR all my details and they told me about my induction. This all happened last week and my induction was today (it went well!). I start my new job on Friday. It was that easy.

Two weeks ago I was feeling like shit. I’d just been to look at cars and given monthly payments quotes that I just couldn’t meet with my care wage (baring in mind I need money for other things to, you know, live) and I was feeling helpless. ‘I need a car to get another job’ was all I could think. But I couldn’t get a car until I had another job. But now, less than two weeks later, I’m starting a new job and will be able to get a car within the next few months. I can’t believe how quickly things can change. 

I’m going to wrap this up now but I honestly cannot end this without saying how grateful I am for my sister. She has been there through all of my shit and never given up on me, even when I wanted her to. I’ve put her and the rest my family through so much but their support has been unwavering. And now she’s done this for me without a second thought. She’s amazing. I honestly love her so much. 

Thanks sis. X